In January 2002 I discovered a lump in my breast.
Immediately I thought of the dreaded disease breast cancer. I was not afraid to
die, but my first thoughts went to my husband and family, and how they would
cope.
The doctor did not think it was anything to worry about, which made
me feel hopeful, but he wanted it checked anyway.
A mammogram was arranged
for the 14th of February. I was anxious and felt tearful, and uncertain, but
one evening in my Bible reading a text in
Romans struck me with incredible force. It was Romans 15:13 "Now the God of
hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope,
through the power of the Holy Ghost."
I went to sleep meditating on
that verse, and from that moment I knew I was safe in God's hands. I was sure
He knew best for me, and I realised that all this would be for a
purpose.
I had to come back to the hospital for the results a few
days after our daughter's wedding. The doctor said that the mammogram and the
ultrasound looked suspicious, and that he would do two biopsy, a needle one,
and a core biopsy under local anaesthetic. The nurse was sitting on my couch
and held my hand and talked to me. The thought of cancer kept coming to my
mind, and I found it difficult to suppress the tears. I was told to get a cup
of coffee, and to come back in 45 minutes. A few days before I had started
reading one of the old Puritans, William Bates, on
'The Great Duty of Resignation.' It was
all so appropriate, and I read some more in the waiting room, trying to keep
calm and trusting in God despite the possible bad news.
When I was called
back in, the doctor confirmed my fears, and talked in more detail. I was
assigned a breast-care nurse, who took me to a small room, and went through all
sorts of things with me. All the time it was hammering in my brain: "I've got
cancer!" It was impossible to take in, let alone remember all the things she
told me. The worst thing was then having to go home and tell my husband. Of
course he was incredibly understanding and loving. At least I now felt we were
in this together, and that also helped a lot. The breast care nurse would
arrange a home visit, as soon as the results of the core biopsy were known, and
I started preparing for the surgery. Our daughter and her husband came home
from their honeymoon a week before the surgery. Everything worked out in an
amazing way.
The surgery (mastectomy) was arranged for 28th March. By
this time I had told all my friends and relations, and lots of people were
praying for me. I was also in a few internet quilting groups, and the support
and encouragement was wonderful.
When I hit a low point in the hospital,
which is apparently normal after a few days, one elderly lady in the ward said
her prayers out loud that evening. I felt so strongly that the Lord was with
me, and it was such an encouragement, that my low point did not last long.
My husband was kept busy informing all my friends about my progress after the
operation. One small group of internet quilting friends from all over the world
had arranged to make a quilt for me, and one of the ladies, who lives near us,
came to present it to me in the hospital. I burst into tears when I saw it, and
realised how incredible caring and generous people can be. So I had a beautiful
quilt over my bed, instead of a hospital blanket!
Most of the time I just felt so
incredibly grateful for everything, for getting through the operation, for
caring and praying friends, for the ability to read my Bible, for the flowers
and cards that surrounded me. I was thankful to be able to help some other
ladies on the ward who were struggling.
After 5 days the drains were taken
out, and I was allowed home. My husband did everything from cleaning and
cooking to washing and ironing, and was an incredible support to me. The cards
and gifts kept pouring in, and I felt quite overwhelmed by God's goodness to me
and all those caring friends.
One morning we went for a walk through a
little wood near our home, where the bluebells
were absolutely beautiful, and reminded me of God's continual providence.
To see photos of cards etc. click here
The next shock came when I was told that some of my
lymph nodes had been affected by cancer, and I would need four lots of
chemo-therapy treatment.
To me, chemo-therapy had always been one of those
ultimate nightmares that one prefers not to talk or think about. Now I had to
face it head-on. Again, my first refuge was prayer and the Bible, and I was not
disappointed. I had to come to terms with losing my hair, and we had fun going
to choose a wig.
Again, friends were sending lovely
turbans, scarves and hats to help me face this new adventure.
I have now
had four treatments, and although I would not wish it on anyone, and although
the side-effects are not pleasant, I have felt God's upholding strength all the
way through, and even feel positively joyful most of the time.
The nurses
at the chemo centre could not have been more sweet and
caring.
Because at times I felt very tired and wiped out, my husband
bought a La-Z-Boy recliner chair for me -
what a difference that made!
On Friday 26th July I was marked up for the next joyful
event - radiotherapy.
I had to go to the same strange oncology centre with
all the paintings of cats, dogs and birds. They took me into a 'simulation
room', where I had to lie down on a VERY hard couch, with my arms stretched
back, holding on to a handle about 2 miles behind my head. Well, that's what it
felt like.
There were 3 women and one man, all very friendly, and they
started running around, measuring up the chest area with rulers and wire, and
drawing lines all over it. At times I thought that I couldn't possibly stay in
that position any longer, but then I thought of all the martyrs in history, and
it didn't seem so bad then.
Every so often they would all disappear behind
a glass screen when the machine took an x-ray of my chest.
Halfway through
the proceedings my oncologist came in to check it all over.
At the end of
an eternity, they said it wouldn't be much longer. Then one of the women asked
permission to give me two pin-prick tattoos, that would stay there forever. I
really didn't care what they would do, as long as I could get off that couch,
so I gave my permission, and she tattooed a mark in the centre of my chest, and
one underneath my arm. Then I could sit up. I had to lower my arms very slowly
and carefully, as they were so painful.
But WHAT a relief when I sat up
again. It had lasted about half an hour! The radiotherapy starts on Monday 12th
August, every day (except weekends) for 3 and a half weeks.
But I really
felt very happy with the chemo behind me, and I was sure I would cope with this
in the same way.
The treatment itself was no problem, and I got quite
used to the whirring and bleeping sounds of the machine.
The nurses were
very kind and considerate, and my husband remained an unfailing source of
strength and support.
The most tiring aspect was the 50 mile round trip to
the hospital every day, especially as the treatment only lasted for about 2
minutes.
The weeks after the treatment had finished were more difficult.
My skin was very sore, like a severe sunburn, and I felt very tired. It was a
good time for more Bible study, and for refreshing my Biblical Hebrew and
Greek, and I am finding that very uplifting.
Around the same time we found
a wonderful assembly of Christians not far from us, with Biblical teaching and
fellowship, and an unusual reverence for God and his Word.
The support and
prayers from relatives and friends all over the world really helped me through
this testing time, and I feel enriched and thankful to have experienced all
this.
What of the future? I have recently had a bone scan,
which was clear. But the cancer might still have spread or come back. I might
die of it, like my grandmother did.
On the other hand, I might get killed
in a car accident or a plane crash. We do not know when our end will be.
I
am not worried about the future, because I know that my times are in God's
hand. I have been put right with God through the Lord Jesus Christ, and have
nothing to fear, only a wonderful eternity to look forward to.
Either I die
and will be with Him or He will come back before I die, and take me to be with
Him.
I am very excited to be still alive, because there are so many things
to do, and every day is a gift which I am learning to use for the glory of God
and in obedience to Him.
My hair is growing back
too, but it will take me a few years before it is long again, and will be once
again my 'glory' in the Biblical sense. In the meantime, it is a miracle to see
it grow, and very exciting!
Update December 2003.
So far, all is well. I now have to come back for
check-ups at 6 monthly intervals, instead of every 3 months. After recovering
from the far too hot summer, I have now more energy than I have had for
years!
We are hoping to move to Scotland in the spring of 2004, to a lovely
farmhouse with 6 acres, where I can have a vegetable garden and chickens, and
Alan can enjoy driving a tractor!
This photo was taken in August 2003.
My
hair is dark and curly, and already a lot longer again.... Alan thinks it's
wonderful, and we are very grateful for every day that
we can be together.
Update September 2008.
Well, in March 2004 we moved to Scotland, and we
have to keep telling ourselves that we are not on holiday!!
The air is
lovely and fresh - not like the South, where I always had trouble with
asthma.
The house is wonderful, and the farm needs a lot of work, but Alan
loves using his tractor, and has created an orchard. We also have our own brook
('burn' in Scottish) and waterfall.
I have a calf to look after, and also
have some Dutch Welsummer hens, so we get lovely dark-brown eggs. I do a lot of
home-baking, enjoy gardening and looking after the livestock.
In our 4
acre field we have sheep, belonging to our neighbour. We might get our own one
day.
The neighbouring farmers are all amazingly friendly, and the whole
way of living is so relaxed, and very peaceful. We really feel with the
Psalmist, that "we were like them that dream" (Psalm 126:1) and we thank the
Lord daily for bringing us to such a wonderful place!
Click
here for some PHOTOS.
